Mastering Effective Development Conversations
From Practice: Many leaders find it difficult to conduct development discussions with constructive critical feedback. In addition to having a good structure for feedback and development conversations, a shift in internal attitude is crucial, involving deep listening, deep questioning, and deep thinking.
So, what are the two most common issues when leaders begin to practice development conversations?
Well, some “push their own agenda too much” and are not truly present with their hearts for the other person. Clearly, this causes the inner door of the employee to remain closed, and in the worst case, it leads to “pseudo-compliance” due to the weak connection. Conversely, as a leader, one can also slide to the other side of this scale—being too empathetic and losing track of one’s perspective and that of the company. It’s important to understand the interactions maintained by this too-soft pattern: employees often become demanding and take little responsibility for their own issues and solutions.
Finding the internal balance between being too soft and too hard and being able to “pendulate” between the employee’s and leader’s fields requires practice with self-awareness. As a coach and trainer, I pragmatically support this with an effective structure for feedback and development conversations. However, in this article, I will focus particularly on the inner attitude shift for deep listening, deep questioning, and deep thinking—the so-called 3 Ds—rather than delving into the nuances of conversation structure.
Feel free to contact me if you want to learn more about effective models like the “WWW model” for feedback conversations or the “Room Model” developed by my colleague Dr. Sabine Freund from the Munich Coaching School for our training series “Coaching Competence for Leaders.”
The 3 Ds – Deep Listening, Deep Questioning & Deep Thinking – What are these inner skills that can greatly assist you as a leader in feedback and development conversations?
Deep Listening – The ability to truly listen is central to development conversations. This means not just hearing the words and cognitively categorizing the facts into new and known, but also gaining a deeper understanding through empathy for the emotions and backgrounds that lead to unfavorable behavior. Deep listening creates a connection between the leader and the employee; this connection is noticeable when the conversation becomes calmer, pauses are acceptable, and there is a harmonious flow between the conversation partners. A back-and-forth exchange turns into a genuine dialogue.
Deep Questioning – This technique, combined with deep listening, goes beyond simple, often closed questions. It’s about asking questions that prompt the employee to think, thereby expanding and deepening their thinking framework and perspective: “What do you think led to this situation?” or “How do you feel about it?” or “How would you specifically recognize that you find it easy to do xy?” “How do you solve it in other situations where it works?” These questions often arise from the logic of the conversation and open the doors to the employee’s inner thought world. They lead to the “famous” enlightening AHAs, allowing both conversation partners to understand each other better.
Then, there needs to be a shift back to one’s perspective—because this “jump” back into the leader’s own field is important for constructive critical feedback, which can now be given and received much more easily on the foundation of a good connection. This can be practiced through conscious self-awareness management. The focus here is: “How can I easily regain good distance from the employee and focus on myself?” Many find it helpful to take a deep breath and briefly look out the window, besides relying on the conversation structure that serves as a mental guide. Part of this structure is the already mentioned WWW model for constructive feedback:
- What is my perception of your behavior in a specific situation (this is about observable behavior in a specific situation without personal judgment)?
- What is the specific impact in this situation on you, me, others, the customer? On the factual level, on the emotional level?
- What is my wish for the future?
Here is a simple example that illustrates the WWW formula: “In the last team meeting, I noticed how you rolled your eyes at Mr. X’s contribution but otherwise remained silent (observable perception without judgment). This led to Mr. X becoming unsure in his presentation and other team members being more reserved in their opinions. Everyone’s opinions/ideas are very important to have a respectful, open debate in the team and to make a balanced decision (impact). Therefore, I wish you to express your opinion clearly and respectfully, using ‘I’ statements, for example (wish). Can you relate to that?”
The WWW formula works best after a leader has empowered employees with deep listening and powerful questioning to understand what the internal hurdle is for unhelpful behavior.
3. Deep Thinking or how I leave the responsibility for solution development to the employee – At the end of the conversation, it’s about opening up the solution space: “What do you need from yourself for this? What from others? What from me?” Here, many leaders initially struggle to breathe deeply and hold the space for the employee’s deep thinking. It’s a pity because the answers and solution ideas that emerge here are often brilliantly simple and effective. A good focus is the question: How do I, as a leader, learn to relax, breathe, wait, and trust that something reasonable and helpful will come up?
My Conclusion – The inner attitude shift for the so-called 3 Ds brings feedback and development conversations into a natural flow; implementation and sustainable change become not only possible but even easy through the stable contact and trust field. Of course, these attitude shifts also transform the trust and learning culture of a company as a whole. Can deep listening, deep questioning, and deep thinking be learned? Yes, absolutely! And do most leaders need to practice all three? Also, a clear yes! Your motivational boost – as a leader, you naturally develop further through these three new qualities. Additionally, your employees provide much more constructive feedback in this safe, trusting development culture. And this is precisely one of the most common practical questions at the upper management level: How do I actually get open feedback from my employees?
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